Bad memories are best defeated by swift counterattack. Retaliate and collect as many as can fit on the same skewer. It is not recommended that they are burnt, as the smoke will produce quite an odor (burning memories carry an aroma of sickly nostalgia, sharper than onions, and the smoke tends to linger a while). Best to cast them out in the ocean, where one can experience a sense of vast finality, with only a tinge of mystery as to how the memories met their actual demise: a hungry shark, a tidal wave, a fishing boat, a pelican, or simply the inability to endure outside of the human mind.
November 29, 2010 • 10:20 pm 0
Waxing gibbous
Friends will always tell you that things will get better. It doesn’t matter what the reality of the situation is. It doesn’t matter how long the feeling seems to linger. It doesn’t matter that one day, these same friends may so easily become the purveyors of future grievances. They have to say it because there is nothing else to say.
Who we are now and who we were before the hurt, they may as well be two sets of people. Memories deceive, but so does anger, and with such a corrosive mixture, there really is no telling who exists where anymore.
I’ve been trying harder since month six came to pass. It didn’t feel right, spending most of my days sighing like a grieving and cuckolded widow. All those weeks lost to the sad glow and simplicity of benzodiazepines, joyless flings, and a bitter, defeated voice in my chest asking why I was never enough. Nothing helped, though it did move the time along.
I took up city bike riding as an exercise in trying something new to push the old back into a hole somewhere I hoped would be inaccessible. I moved, I quit my job, and I made some new friends.
As time goes on, though, people understand less and less. It will continue this way, as the new becomes the norm and the past appears to be left at rest. When I see something that hurts, it also comes with a sinking feeling that nothing will ever be the same again. As I get older, the same callousness that they showed me creeps up into my own persona. Having witnessed many best friends morph into bitter strangers, I knew it would always be a dangling in my life as a possibility. After all, no one with friends is such an exception. My own naivety laughed in my face when I saw it unfold, finally, in my own life. Who we were then—before all the hurt—we were different inside. Circumstance changes us beyond our control sometimes.
Riding past a near-full moon the other night, I remember how that same distant rock looked when I was in love with you. In the driver’s seat, parked with a front row view of the night sky. I never expected for you to love me in return, but somewhere in that core of me that I never seem to look at, I just wanted to be special enough.
Oh, but regrets and lamentations are for weak hearts, and mine is no longer so. I catch glimpses of you from far off, content to live a life without us in it. I do not regret the years I spent with or without you; in longing, in love or lust, always left with you halfway on board. It makes no sense to bring her into the equation. You and I were lost from the very first day. To new beginnings, I lift my empty glass to us all.
October 3, 2008 • 6:48 pm 0
Yupdates
-Leaving VH1 as of next week because AS IT TURNS OUT, I can’t afford to have an almost full-time unpaid internship (they used my ticket design for Hip Hop Honors, though! portfolioooooo). Also, got some terrifying/intriguing insight into the world of Viacom and corporate America that I should maybe write about, but what you really need to know is that only scary monsters inhabit the streets of Times Square
-Working for HeadCount at a Stereolab show Saturday! I’ve never seen them live!
-Seeing Jenny Lewis on Sunday in CT
-Finishing up the Polly Ammo website
-Lots of new web projects! Wooo
-Chiropractor is helping
-I can have a life now that I won’t have an (unpaid) internship on top of 2+ jobs
-Uhh, Letters to Cleo are reuniting…?!
-Ok!
Also, I found this funny picture from Spring 2007 that Sandra took of part of a collllllege!!!! hangout circle. I miss you, pals who are still at Purchase!
September 23, 2008 • 10:35 pm 1
Positive/negative
- no gas (hot water/dryer/oven/stove) for almost two weeks, but almost over
+ got a job for reverse thread as new webmaster (mistress?)
+ sold some cds at heirloom show last night, and one for the team rules
- worked 85310548 straight hours on graphics stuff for vh1 today from home
+ what i worked on is going to be the ticket design for vh1′s hip hop honors
- windshield cracked
+ sang on new arms&legs track
+ apple picking day
+ blossom is an amazing and all-vegan restaurant
i am pretty sure i am going to be log lady for halloween… but there is still time.
and happy birthday, emily!
August 14, 2008 • 8:43 pm 1
In the past 48 hours
I have:
-Been asked to work at VH1 for Save the Music, the day after an interview
-Made 10 HeadCount news scrapbooks, 48 pages each, which means AUGH
-Forced Anna Tendler to cut my hair while a cat sat on my lap (not pictured)
-Been told by a chiropractor that I “definitely belong as a patient”
-Forgotten about blogging (mildly)
-Had my weird EP put on iTunes for sale
P.s. secretish tumblr
Filed under: life
July 23, 2008 • 12:04 am 2
The moon is a lightbulb breaking
Things;
I got some kind of job at Trackside back to hopefully make my bank account happier. Old boss is gone – this is a good thing. They want me to redo the website. Hrm.
I got a good amount of quote requests for web design after I set up the design company. On one hand, this is great, because I can name my own prices per project, but on the other hand, I have SO much work to do as it is, I barely leave my computer.
It has been so relentlessly hot that I cut half of my jeans into cutoffs. Someday soon I may regret this.
Ohhh, and FatCat finally announced Mere joining up with them on their website news.
Robin turns 21 on Friday. What the fuck? I feel like I just had my 21st party. The pictures are RIGHT HERE!
(it was like this)
There’s other stuff too, probably
Filed under: life
July 8, 2008 • 8:08 pm 0
run run run
Summer running has begun. Too bad it was 90º today.
I like having an internet-centric job. It means I can put “brb” up on gChat and go running/eating/sleeping. Sometimes, even, band practicing. Show tomorrow at Fontana’s with Bess and Jacqui and the Woes.
I know it’s super hot out, but this tea is really great
Filed under: life
July 5, 2008 • 10:23 pm 2
Independence
To me, fireworks are about as fun as watching a very gentle and boring action movie, with very little action. I am sure that one of them was in the shape of a winking smiley face, though. Emoticons in the sky. My first free day in what seems like forever, with some people I had not seen in an even longer amount of time. I am Lyme-tired and I feel like all I do is sit here and eat too many soy products. Also, I have developed a serious phobia of AIM.
Filed under: life
